C2, CD2 or C1, CD39??

I finally felt RELIEVED yesterday when, while running out and about, I discovered that AF had come. Later, I realized that AF would also not be kind to me, just as this whole cycle has not been. I spotted that one time. Since then my pads have been clean. It's still there when I wipe each time, but it looks brownish like at the end of a period, not at the beginning. Instead of the much awaited end of confusion, it continues on. Am I CD2 today? Or trudging on into CD39? Has breastfeeding caused a break out bleeding from missed cycle? Or is there a reason why AF isnt here full blown beyond breastfeeding? I'm tired of guessing. I'm assuming it's breakout as I have no preggo symptoms. I'll be visiting my doctor next month, maybe he can shed light on some things.

C1, CD36

I've now given up on getting a period. Obviously either something went wrong (as in I somehow skipped a cycle even while having every single sign - though then again, for months I had signs of O and AF without having them) or I'm just running a very long cycle.

The problem with skipping last cycle is not knowing when the next cycle begins. I have no CD1. I'm once again blind, and I can't just start temping in the middle of a cycle or it won't mean anything. For the third day in a row, I'm having a lot of EWCM. This usually means either O is here or AF is coming. I'm not sure how to view it. Is it next cycles O? (had I been on schedule, I would be O'ing next week. But since I'm not?) Or is it AF taking its very slow time in getting here and warning me that it's only some length of time away? Every day I've been expecting it to come. I get cramps, I'm irritable, I want chocolate, I'm bloated and I have this CM that I can't explain.

I'm tired of guessing. This has gone on for so long now. A BFN and an AF would have been enough bad news. Do I really need to continue being stuck in BFN land?

C1, CD35

AF is 7 days late. To mark this, I took another test with FMU and said hello to BFN #4. I'm officially done testing this cycle. I should have listened to test #1. I just don't understand what's happening in my body. It acted out ovulation and gearing up for AF, but now it won't finish the cycle and be done. It's totally throwing off the timing of my other cycles and for nothing. Meanwhile I'm getting more stressed out and grumpy each day. Where is AF??

I don't know if it's another bfn that is making me feel down today or just the fact that I'm still stuck like this, in the unknowing and not moving forward. As for the Bfn, part of me says it's fine, its not meant to be this month, everything ends up with perfect timing anyway. But the other part is just frustrated and sad and impatient and that's the voice that gets louder each day. I never wanted AF so much. Maybe last month I was just tricked and it was a fluke, but then why is everything else happening? Before the last AF, I never had so much cm, never had that kind of EWCM, never had my cervix funnel, etc. I can't imagine this being a missed cycle. Things happened. They're just not...ending.

C1, CD34

Hello, day 6 of being late.

I'm a bit shocked, as yesterday for hours I had horrible cramps. The cramps that belong only to AF, the kind that kill my abdomin muscles and spread like hot heat down to my toes and make my knees ache and unable to support me. I took midol and it eventually went away and didn't return. They were so bad though that I figured AF was surely on their heels.

(TMI Alert)
Then at nighttime, I was relieved that it came just to see that instead of AF, I had large amounts of EWCM. I was totally confused by this and, for the hell of it and to cover all the bases, we BD'ed, where I saw that I had more EWCM than I've ever seen in my life. It was also really thick. My insides were super tender as well. It almost felt like ovulation, but without the difference in cervix, and the fact that my ovulation cm never was that much, that thick and I'm way past ovulation. At least I would hope I was. I was 99.9% sure I knew the exact day of O, but now what is all this??

The confusion continues on.

I do hope things change soon, one way or the other. I was reading my old pregnancy blog (before it turned into a Katie blog) and I was so very happy and excited to be pregnant, even while sick and exhausted and feeling terrible. I wasn't glowing on the outside during pregnancy, but I was on the inside. I'm eager for that again. Maybe it's pathetic, but I have everything in the nursery closet ready to go to make some cute Pregnancy announcement pictures. Even the cardboard that I needed for one of them has been cut and stored away for when I need it. It's a bit depressing to look at right now as I can't use it. I have so many ideas written out on special things to do with Katie during the pregnancy and to ready her to welcome a sibling. Eventually it'll happen, but the not knowing when sucks. If I knew the month I'd get pregnant, I'd sure be a lot calmer! Shame it doesn't work that way though.

C1, CD33

And cycle one continues on. I'm cramping quite a bit this morning though, so maybe something will finally start up.

I've been constantly starving the last few days so if nothing else, maybe whatever is going on is helping me to gain some weight. I eat like crazy all the time, but now it's double so. It would be nice to gain even five lbs before the next ovulation. I really want to work out and gain abs but I'm afraid it'll make me lose any weight I do put on before the muscle forms.

We'll see where today goes. I'm now five days late if I was on a 28 day cycle, 1 day late if I was on a 32 day cycle and 15 days past ovulation with 3 bfns. AF, where are you?

C1, CD32

Tired of being in limbo. I've had to wear a "just in case" pad everywhere I've went for days now. It's like having a clear period and it sucks. I still have loads of cm and today I bought cranberry juice bc I can't tell if the reason I need to pee every five minutes is bc I'm getting a period soon or if it's the first sign of a uti. I woke up needing to per and went three times in 45 minutes. Then I felt like I had to go all the time even when nothing was left. It drove me nuts!

Before I was praying every day to get a BFP. Now I'm praying to get a BFP or even just my period. One or the other, I don't really care which, I just don't want to be stuck like this. I want to move on to the next phase. I never had this long of a cycle in my life.

C1, CD31

After much pestering from my mother, I agrees to take another test and let her choose the kind. It was still a very clear, blaring white bfn.

I'm irritable, extremely tired, my nipples are sore. have lots of clear cm, and haven't begun normal period cramps or bloating. I think I'll get my period in the next three days, but I don't understand why my body is playing around with me. I never had this ttc purgatory period before and I dislike it a lot.

Im tired of this cycle. Why can't I enter into the next one?

I bought a bunch of baby clothes today. Im eager to have a baby to fill them!

C1, CD30

Well, didn't think I'd see a CD30. I'm in ttc limbo. AF hasn't shown up and there's no signs of her anymore. I got another BFN this morning. I'm 11dpo and I felt really nauseous yesterday, I've been horribly tired for days and I have lots of CM - I keep thinking its my period and it never is, just more cm.

I'm assuming at this point that I'm on a 35 day cycle and AF will be due around Wednesday. Which sucks, if I have to try again I really want to start as soon as possible, not just hang in the last cycle helplessly.

C1, CD29

CD 29 today. Cramps are increasingly getting worse and I have that period gushy feeling. I'm expecting AF to arrive today but worried that my cycle will continue for a few more days. I want my 28 day cycle, not longer. I'm 10dpo, so I'm wondering if Af's not actually due until Monday on 14dpo. I'm not sure how this works, I've only ever had a standard 28 day cycle.

Really wish I could figure out what was going on. Instead I'm in limbo where I don't have AF and I can't test and don't feel the need to test.

C1, CD 28

Woke up this morning with pretty nasty cramps so I'll probably be updating this post in a few hours to confirm AF's arrival. At least I learned this month that my body is still punctual and I'm on a 28 day cycle again. That'll be helpful for next month's trying.

C1, CD27

Well, it's AF eve, or at least if my body is going by the old cycle which is entirely possible that it isn't. I have mild cramps but only in my abdomin instead of my legs and I have that gushy feeling that happens before every period.

Had a funny moment with Katie today. She was sitting up next to me while I was lying down and she kept trying to rub my belly. Since Sophie knew last time that I was pregnant before I did, I jokingly asked Katie what she knew. She looked at me then threw her toy on my belly! So, less of a sign and more that she couldn't find my boobs so she could nurse. Lol

At this point I'm just waiting for AF to appear so I can start on the next cycle. This time I'll be doing temps but not sure what else to change as I'm positive we bd right before, on and after O. I guess we'll do the same but have a better idea of O.

C1, CD26

I hate symptom spotting. I hate hearing people symptom spot. It's a silly thing to do, as most real pregnancy symptoms don't begin until weeks later and most symptoms that do start now are mirroring period symptoms. It's a stupid thing to do. And yet, sometimes I can't help it, despite already getting a BFN.

I feel really discouraged, I don't feel like this is my month anymore, and yet some part of me in the back of my head is running a commentary saying "could this mean something?" about everything. The past few days I've been having random nose bleeds. After a nasty one today, the evil reminder popped into my head - I had terrible nose bleeds every day while pregnant with Katie. So of course, I wonder if it's a sign. But most likely, it's from the fact that the seasons are changing and I've been outside for much of this weekend. I also get nose bleeds from seasonal changes and outdoors.

I'm usually not a bitchy person, either. Honestly, I'm quite chipper most days, especially to Bill. Especially since we started TTC - all of last week I was amazed with how lovey I've become with him. I never pick or nag at him, a fact he's always been happy about, and I usually don't actually pick fights or get furious at just anything. The past weekend my temper flared many times, sometimes I didn't even understand why I was suddenly pissed over the stupidest of things. It's really not like me. Then this morning I woke up so angry at him I was ready to kill him because I had a nasty dream about him. I was awake, I knew it was just a dream, and yet I really wanted to go strangle him even so! I was so disgusted by what he had done in my dream that I couldn't shake the feeling and even though I badly needed to change sides to nurse Katie with my breast that was leaking, I thought it best to stay away from him so I just stayed awake and nursed her in my arms. I have my share of bad dreams, but I never react so harshly once awake. Of course my mind wanders to "sign?" but the logical part of me hopes that Bill is smart enough to load the house up with chocolate again because AF is going to be a crazy ride this time.

This is to say nothing about how dead tired I've been this week. But I've also been super busy - there's two sides to every possibility!

I feel like I'm not pregnant because a noncontrollable part of me is already grieving about the loss of this month and worrying about only having two months left. It's like this month is already being left behind before I'm even officially out. If my body is already moving on, then that's quite the antisign, isn't it? If it was a conscious, controllable part of me then I'd say that it's just disappointment about the test but it's not, it's a part that usually knows best or the crazy part that takes control when I can't. So if that part has moved on, then I feel like I'm preparing for AF and coming up with a better plan for next month.

For record keeping, here's part of my chart from this month. Starting next cycle, I'll be taking temps.

This is from last week when I was O'ing

C1, CD25

I tested today after some persuasion. It was a bfn, of course, as I'm only 6dpo. I'm feeling so sick on my stomach today though and got very car sick. Maybe it was from an overwhelming weekend constantly on the go. I'm not considering myself out but I'm more discouraged and less confident in this month being the one. AF is due on Wednesay, should be interesting to see if it shows up. Once again though, being late means nothing with an uncertain cycle.

C1, CD24

CD 24. Even if I wasn't determined not to symptom spot (because for the most part I think it's silly), I wouldn't have anything to spot anyway. Nothing is going on and I'm not feeling any different so even though it would have been cool to make an announcement tomorrow, I don't think I'll be testing. I know I kicked myself last time though when my mom kept pushing me to test on Bill's birthday, which was about 4-5 days before my period was due. I told her I wasn't pregnant so I didn't do it. Turns out I was - what a cool birthday surprise that would have been! I'm about to miss it again because I have only $6 tests that I just don't feel like wasting on inaccuracy. Maybe I'll feel different on Wednesay. If not, I'll move on to next month and focus on how it would be fun to find out I was pregnant with #2 right around Mother's Day.

C1, CD 21

Based soley on symptoms outside of CM, I'm feeling very confident that I O'ed two to three days ago, either on day 18 or 19 and that my fertile stage is now over. Due to sickness I missed BD'ing yesterday so hopefully the previous times were enough. We'll see.

Seems like Bill has baby fever too, he said he had a few dreams last night all featuring a baby boy who had my hair and eyes. As much as I want another girl, it would be nice to have his dream come true so i can have a baby look like me too! Maybe that's selfish of me, as when I was little I used to wish for light blue eyes and curly hair, which Katie has. If she developed freckles, she'll look exactly like how I wanted to look as a child!

I'm currently on CD 21, which was the day I O'ed last month. Hopefully that means my cycles are slowly becoming more regular, I did enjoy my standard 28 day cycle and O'ing on day 14 like clockwork. 7 days until AF is due if I'm not on a longer cycle. That's the sad part, if AF is late I can't count it as a pregnancy sign because I don't know my cycle length yet. It condo naturally be longer now. Im sure by Sunday I'll be on my toes trying to stay busy to not symptom spot and to not test yet. Right now I'm feeling relaxed.

C1 CD18

Such a shame that I'm only on CD 18! How funny would it have been to announce a BFP today, April Fool's, when every other woman is posting about their fake pregnancies! Would have been a fun way to mix it up tomorrow morning by announcing I was still pregnant and it wasn't a joke.

Oh well, maybe some time! I have thought about testing on Easter since all the inlaws will be gathered in one place (last time dh's sister lived too far away and wasn't there)and announcing it then. But it's four days before my period may be due (not sure if I'm on a 28 day cycle yet) so it probably wouldn't show up as a BFP even if I was pregnant. Seems like I'm just a little too late for everything!

Bill was looking up Saints today as we need them for our confirmation. He found a VERY fitting one of the same name as our next girl will be. I took this opportunity to discuss our chosen names and make sure that those are still the ones we're going with for #2. We both agrees that we still wanted the boy and girl name that we picked out months ago so it's pretty official. I'm glad, I'm very attached now to the names!