Two Months

Today marks two full months since we found out about Elizabeth. Two months ago my husband and I clung to each other as we watched our world crumble and our hearts break firmly in two. Two months ago our little Elizabeth made her entrance into this world at 2:01 AM, sleeping and perfect.

It definitely doesn't feel like two months. It feels like it could have been two years ago, yet the memories are so vivid. I know that some of those memories will forever be etched so clearly in my mind. I don't need a picture of Elizabeth, I can see her at any time. I can remember how she looked clearer than I can remember anything else in my mind. Usually my memory is so fuzzy, I have a hard time remembering things, but not with her. With her, I'll forever see and relive that weekend like it was just yesterday. (Contradictory, isn't it? How it could feel like it was years ago and yet is so vivid it could have happened yesterday...but that's how it feels.)

But I feel blessed today. Even though I'm sad, even though Katie and I are still really sick, even though my period came early just to hit me right before this horrible sickness did, I feel okay. I feel peaceful. Today was beautiful outside, I loved getting to step out, breathe in the warmth and feel the sun on my face. Katie loved watching the birds flitter from rooftop to tree and back again. I researched how to grow certain flowers, and have been building a beautiful garden in my head to plant around Elizabeth's spot. I'm eager to fix up her little patch,  turn it from looking so sad and empty and lonely into something colorful, bright and beautiful.

Before I ever realized what today was, Elizabeth was on my mind. I awoke thinking of the garden, and trying to plan out how to make her a tiny little Easter basket, and what I should put in it. Today was all about her before I even remembered that it was a special day. I can feel Elizabeth in the warmth of spring. In the promise of sunny days. On the wings of the cheerfully chippering birds.  Everything about today made me feel like I was surrounded by her.

It's hard to describe such a feeling, I don't think you can actually imagine and understand the feeling until it happens to you. But this warmth, the invisible hugging by big, strong angel wings, it's the closest I've ever felt to God. It feels like I'm leaning against the wall of heaven. It's such a strong sense. It feels soft but it feels strong and firm at the same time. It feels like all of sunny, warm spring is coming together into this little angel that lays her head on my back and her big wings on my shoulders.

Had I been told that today would feel calm and peaceful two months ago, I would have been angry. I would have felt like I was being mocked by someone who just didn't understand, who couldn't imagine, who was like I had been - so ignorant in the world of losing a baby. But the grief, while it'll forever be there lingering around my heart, has lessened and I can see the healing. I can see how my angel is beautiful and how good can come from such horrible situations. Having an angel is such a unique feeling, never feeling alone. I was always terrified of death, but this lessens it. I know my angel is watching me, and one day I'll get to meet her. Nothing could have strengthened my resolve in God like this situation. I know some people fall away from God, but every single step of this has shown me beyond doubt that God is with me and with my angel. Even during dark moments when I wanted to scream "why me" or "how could You do this?" I couldn't. Even though it was such a dark place to be in, there was always light. There was always God's hand leading me through, giving me the best foundation in which to step. I never once felt alone. I never felt like Elizabeth had left me.

Even before we found out that she was gone, I used to say that it felt like she was already here, all around me. It felt like I wasn't pregnant with her because she was already here. I said it all the time, saying how odd it was to have such a feeling. Now I understand that she was already here, she was more with me at those moments than when she was alive within me while I was pregnant with her. She had such a strong presence that before I ever knew what was happening, I could feel her soul all around me, to the point where I had to talk about it because it was such a big feeling. Elizabeth was already here, and my soul recognized hers before my body or my mind ever knew. She was there already, waiting patiently and giving me time to know her and let me lovingly have my ignorance for a while longer.