Dreaming

Sometimes, the happiest dreams are the harshest.

Over naptime today (Katie and I took a late snooze as both of us are sick) I dreamt about being at some hotel for an event and carrying around Katie on my right hip, and my little baby girl in my left arm. I had them dressed similar, in pink and purple plaid dresses with bows in their hair. I have no idea what event was going on, but it was like I was floating on clouds, having my two little giggly girls in my arms. I was blissful and happy and so content with nothing more than just holding them and having them. I felt so complete that the feeling was overwhelming. It was just wonderful and so very vivid.

Waking up and remembering it though was heartbreaking. Knowing how happy and complete I felt, knowing that there was nothing better than holding these two little girls makes my heart break. I always wish I could have Elizabeth with me, but I don't think I've ever quite needed to have her here as much as now. Upon remembering the dream, I actually felt angry that it wouldn't happen, that those two little girls close in age and just adorable and mine in my arms would never be. It was such a peaceful dream, but reality is crushing. I don't know how to describe it accurately...it's like such a crucial part of me is missing. It's like that left arm I held her with in my dream isn't there anymore and I'm trying to make due with the new lifestyle of forever missing my one arm. Elizabeth wasn't just a baby that I had so many plans and dreams for, she was apart of me. Even though she was only physically here for three months, she was so much apart of me vitally.

I was doing really well lately with coping, but this was really hit me blindside. That happy, wonderful dream is something that's haunting and I wish I could forget. I feel like I'll never feel that amazing complete feeling ever again, because a part of me will never be that close to me again. I ache to hold my baby and have her here. It's an unbearable want. A mother should never have to be parted from her baby.