Cy7, CD17

I may be in my TWW.

I'm not counting it as a TWW really though, as we're continuing to BD for another week to make sure we hit every possible chance. I'm not going to guess that I have O'ed and now wait. I'm hoping if we hit every day, the TWW won't seem so unbearable. The worst thing about those two weeks are that it's now out of my hands and there's nothing more I can do to help my chances for this month - what's done is done. So instead of torturing myself with thinking it's over, I'm going to just continue.

I am hoping this is the month, but I realized today that I'm not actually expecting a BFP. I have all of my fingers and toes crossed for these next two months, I really want it to happen, we work at it daily, but I'm not actually expecting an end result. Probably because we've been doing this with high hopes since February and by now, it just seems like something we do every month, like a game. Next month, the game starts over, it doesn't ever really end. Even though we've done everything we can to try and get that BFP this month, I'll still be absolutely shocked if I actually get it. I'm not sure if it's just a defense to ward off disappointment to just expect nothing to happen, or if it's just a different mindset. I feel bad that I'm not more positive, but I'm not negative either. I'm feeling neutral. If I get a BFN, I'll still feel neutral, just like I've been feeling for a few months. TTC'ing has become a routine, a way of life, something I'm just used to doing each month. The lack of disappointment is nice, though I've noticed that baby fever creeps up on me more frequently now. Luckily it goes away and I slip back into neutral every few days so I'm not overwhelmed and frustrated. I'm being patient, something I've never been good at until now.

The closest I get to sadness is when I hear people I've been ttcing with for a while get a BFP. It should give me hope, it should make me feel like maybe I'm next, but instead I feel like I'm being left behind. This doesn't stick aroud though, and I'm able to brush it off pretty easily now. It doesn't happen as often either - almost all of my TTC friends have disappeared into the land of first and second trimesters. I tried to make more ttc buddies, but lost interest. I don't really want to hear about other's journies and see them succeed. I just don't want to think much about mine, let time slip by, and wait until AF is finally late for a good reason.