Elizabeth's Memorial Celebration 2014

Last Sunday, we had a memorial celebration for the second year in honor of Elizabeth's due date. It was a beautiful day out. We had a picnic of sandwiches and fruit, and for the first year I tried out the recipe I made her (Sugar Beth's Heavenly Angelfood Cupcakes with fresh strawberry filling). We released balloons again this year, and we gave her a windchime of angel wings as her gift.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is just two days away. It seems like this year, I can't get Elizabeth off of my mind. This year's Mother's Day is so different. I'm mommying two babies every day, but not the ones I thought I would be originally.

I find that I still often wonder about that other life, that life of 'what might have been'. I think of that image I had in my mind when I was pregnant with Elizabeth, that time we were out for a walk and we saw two little sisters in tutus, holding hands and skipping out of ballet class. I just knew that would be Katie and Elizabeth one day. I think about the bedroom I was so eager to decorate, with lilac walls and called the room of Beauties. Katie's side would be Beauty and the Beast theme, Elizabeth's side would be Sleeping Beauty themed. I think about all the princess things I stocked up on, all the Princess Aurora things I added to my cart eagerly waiting to be purchased for Elizabeth. I think about that beautiful apron I was eager to embroider for my fantasy bakery, adorned with the sweet little nickname of Sugar Beth.

It's hard to come back out of that reality at times. It's hard to see Katie's room, so close to perfect and beginning to fill up with Beauty and the Beast themes but lacking Sleeping Beauty, because the Sleeping Beauty theme had to be moved to my mom's house, inside of a tiny little picket fence spot. Sleeping Beauty ended up being written on a slab of stone instead of on the lilac princess walls. We still want to put Katie in ballet class next year, but she won't have a little sister to hold her hand and practice with anymore. It'll just be her now, alone in her tutu.

That's not to say I don't love my reality. Having my little rainbow boy has been such a joy in my life. I've found that I love being the mommy of a little boy, so much more than I thought I would. I can't get enough of the love he showers me with, how he gives me this look like I'm his whole world. I would never trade him for anything, and every time I look at him, I just know he was meant to be.

But it's hard. It's hard not to wonder about that other life. It's hard to look at reality. The reason is because no matter which one I'm looking at, the life I originally thought would happen or the life that has happened, one of my babies is always missing. Elizabeth and Will can't coincide at the same time, their worlds are separate. One is always missing from my view when I look back and forth between the two worlds of reality and fantasy. My heart always feels torn open, no matter where I look.

According to my ticker, it's been one year, three months, four weeks, and one day since Elizabeth was born sleeping. It still hurts just as much. I've managed to put it out of my mind a bit, I'm better at managing to avert my thoughts before I break down and cry now, and Will has brought light back into the dark hole I fell into after Elizabeth was gone. But that hole will never close, it'll always be agape and painful and will never heal. It'll always bring tears and painful thoughts and a little heart break anew each time.

After all this time, I know there's very few who understand why I still post about Elizabeth on my FB, I share pictures of quotes and poems about miscarriages, I put up pictures of her spot, and I openly admit that I still grieve for her. I can't blame them, I wouldn't have understood either. Having been on both sides, I can honestly say that even the most emphatic person could not grasp the understanding and the pain that continues long after it happens. It's a pain that goes so deep, you can't understand it unless you've experienced it. But it helps my grieving to bring her into my life when I can. When I see something that reminds me of her, I have to share it. When I visit her beautiful spot, I like to have new pictures, just like I like having new pictures of my other children. I like the quotes and the poetry to remind myself that there are others out there in the same position I'm in, who understand and get it.

I don't want Elizabeth to ever fade from my thoughts, from my daily actions, or from my photo albums. Just because she's not here does not mean she's not part of our family.

Easter 2014

For some reason, Easter for me will always be about Elizabeth now. Maybe it's because of Jesus rising to go to Heaven, or that the color purple is everywhere, or just that it's finally becoming spring and everything is becoming beautiful and alive around her little spot. No matter what, I always have to include her in that day in a big way. Nothing is more important on Easter to me than going to church and then immediately heading over to Elizabeth.

This year was very alike last year. We went to church, then bought flowers and went to my mom's. Once the Easter egg hunts were over, I got my hands dirty and started planting the tiny purple flowers around the front of her spot. White tullips from last year were already sprouted and blooming. Bill planted the sunny yellow gerbera daisies I had gotten. Then Will got to sit at the spot for the first time. My angel and my Rainbow meeting again, for the first time earth side.

One Year Angelversary

Today is the day we lost Elizabeth last year. Since I'm still hormonal, I decided to try to be easy on myself and not read back in the blog, or read many of the things I put in her box. I have letters I wrote to her, memories of every moment while I was going through the miscarriage, poetry Bill and I both wrote, but I know I can't bear it right now. Just looking at some of the things we have, saying a few words about how much she's missed and how there's always something missing in our family pictures, already has me repeatedly in tears. She's still, and always will be, so very missed.

Instead of reading, I tried to keep busy. The weather worked against me today. It was a downpour rain all day, which meant we couldn't take the kids up to her spot to see her and we couldn't release a balloon for her as it wouldn't have gotten very far. Instead, we had to quickly change plans and do things inside of the house. Last night I cleared off the top of the piano, which is in our main living area, and brought down all of the things that mean most when I think of Elizabeth. Some of it was things from my pregnancy, others that were collected or given to us right after we lost her, and others were things I've collected throughout the year for her, as she's included in everything we do. I set it all up and surrounded the area with candles I kept lit all day. Then Bill and I made a cake together for her (which sparkles from the kind of sprinkles I used and the glitter candle), and Bill made a special dinner. Tomorrow we'll go to church and, like we do every time we're there, we'll light a candle for her and say a special prayer. I also had Will dressed this morning in his little lion sleeper, since Elizabeth's symbol/animal was a little lion cub and Will's middle name means Lion as a connection for the two.

It feels so odd to mourn a child while holding a newborn. It feels odder to rejoice in a baby who wouldn't be here, had the child being mourned survived. It's odd to feel so happy and grateful for one child, while crying for another that would have been in his place. Will has healed so much of my heart, as much that can ever be healed. When I hold him, I can feel Elizabeth watching over him, being such an amazing guardian. When I see our perfect little boy and feel so happy to have him, I can smile and say that Elizabeth did an amazing job at choosing the perfect baby to send down to us. But there's still that shadow of a life that could have been that makes it hard at times. I adore my family, but it's rough to know that it's a different family that what it would have been. It's so hard to love something so much, but know that another love would have been.

Here's some pictures from today so far:

New Year's Eve

This day feels so odd for me. It's hard to not look back at this time last year. I was pregnant and eager for the New Year. I exclaimed on facebook how I knew it would be an exciting year and I couldn't wait for it. I was on the eve of entering second trimester with my Sugarbeth, and I couldn't wait to meet her in 2013. I was full of positivity and excitement.

Less than two weeks later, we lost our Elizabeth. It was truly devastating. Even weeks later, I couldn't see any hope that this year would get better. It was a doomed year, how could it not be with how it started off?

So it feels really weird to be here again, on New Year's Eve, holding an infant in the same year. The way this year came in and the way it is going out could not be more polar opposite. We lost a baby just days after the New Year, and then we gained a baby just days before it ended. It almost seems too odd to be real! This little boy was born almost exactly two weeks to the day when we lost our Elizabeth. It's like he was trying to be as close to her as possible. Two weeks and one day are between giving birth to him and our one year anniversary of her birth into heaven.

It's so odd to look at my little boy, my huge blessing, and realize he wouldn't be here had we not gone through losing Elizabeth. We'd have a completely different life right now had she made it. We'd have a 2.5 year old little girl and a 6 month old little girl, and probably half way through our ttc wait (as we start around 1 year). It's hard to think about that family that would have been. I love my family now of course, it's a perfect, wonderful family...but to know that Elizabeth should have fit in but isn't here is hard.

Still, I'm looking forward to our bright 2014. I know the anniversary of our angel is going to be rough, but I'm trying to plan something really nice for that day as a family. This year is going to be filled with so many firsts for Will and Katie, and it might just be the first year in our marriage that I'm not pregnant, so I guess it may hold a few firsts so me as well! There's lots of adventure waiting in this year, so I'm trying to still hold onto that positivity that I've always had before on New Year's Eve instead of fearing the unknown after what happened last year. I never realized how easy it is to slip into living a life of fear once you're a mommy! It's something I battle often and have to remember to let go of fear, be trusting, and enjoy every minute. I can at least be happy that I enjoyed every minute I got of Elizabeth's time and all the many hours I spent day dreaming the perfect life for her. I've lived my life with her so many times in my head!

I think this is insanely accurate. It's not even as accurate now as it will be. When I look at Katie and look at Will, I realize how much I am missing out on with Elizabeth. I dream up what she would be doing now. I know it'll get even harder when the kids are older and experiencing major things in their life that Elizabeth would have been experiencing right along with them. I love the saying "You're so wonderful to think about, but so very hard to be without." I think that describes us with Elizabeth. We often talk about her, I love to think of her and all of the amazing things she would have done, but it is hard to come out of that daydream and realize she's not here.



And to finish off this post...happy New Year's, Elizabeth. I know your view must be beautiful!

Our Christmas Angel

Through four years of Christmases, I have searched for the perfect angel to go on top of the tree. I was picky, I held my standards for this angel pretty high. I wanted something I could use every year, and I wanted it to not be the same stereotypical angel that has the porcelain  head with blonde hair, white gown and plastic wings. Part of this comes from my own childhood. Though I haven't seen it in years, I can clearly remember the angel my family used each year. She was dressed in a deep red, had dark brown hair and such a pretty face with a sweet smile. I always found it romantic that my dad had picked out an angel with dark hair because it reminded him of my mother. I wanted a brown haired angel to remind me of that angel I grew up with, but apparently my dad had gotten the last one. The only brown haired angels I've found in years have had no pretty faces, or were over the top, or just weren't fitting. Because of this, I never got my angel. Each year, I'd grab a $5 star to stick on top of the tree in hopes that next year, I would find my angel that I'd use each year.

This year, I was even more picky. I had a very specific image in mind, and I wanted it to be perfect. I had nearly given up, thinking that maybe I'd just make my own and hope for the best, and then I found it.

I was looking for an angel that reminded me of our Elizabeth. This time, I wasn't just looking for a brown haired angel, as if that hadn't been a hard enough task. This time I wanted something more. I wanted an angel with curly hair. I wanted her to have dirty blonde or brown hair. I wanted her to not look like the standard adult angels but one that looked more childish. I didn't want her to just be another angel dressed in pure white, I wanted her to have an outfit that fit. I also didn't want plastic wings. The wings had to be white, and I wanted them to not be plastic. Sounds like a pretty tall order, right? I wasn't sure how I was going to ever find anything of the above when in the previous years with one stipulation I couldn't even find what I wanted.

But then I did find it. I found an angel with a pretty, young face. She has curly hair that's light brown. She has feathered wings. She holds lights in her hands that look like candles, which I love because of all the candles we've lit this year for Elizabeth.  And her dress? Instead of pure white, it's pink and white with rosebuds in light and dark pinks embroidered all over it.  She's anything but the standard angel that most have on their trees. She's different. She has many aspects of Elizabeth in her from head to toe. While I had found a few that would have worked, this was the one that spoke out to me. The only problem was, I didn't think Bill would like it at all. I showed him all the finalists I had considered, and he picked out the one that I liked most of all. Obviously, he could see Elizabeth in her as well. I immediately ordered it, and am eager to have it for our tree every year. I'm excited to have this way of including Elizabeth in our family celebrations. I love including her in as many things that we can.

And now I can see why I never found that angel I have been searching the internet for since we got our house. I've been trying to locate an angel I'd use every year and always came out empty handed, and now i know it's because I wasn't ready to get our annual angel. I had to wait until this year, until I knew Elizabeth. I spent four years in frustration, not understanding why I couldn't find that tree topper that felt like it fit our family and now I've found it. Our angel fits our family beautifully now.

It's always so interesting to see how things work out for a reason!

And speaking of angels, I love how Elizabeth's spot looks in the fall. Her beautiful little angel that stands at her spot looks like it's she's playing in the leaves joyfully. It gives me such peace to see it.

International Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day

Today is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. It's that day when everyone around the world lights candles for babies who left too soon and to honor their own personal angels.

I'm not sure why I was surprised that today hurt so much, but it did. I kept reliving that day we lost Elizabeth, remembering all the very difficult parts of it. Every moment of that day has such hurt attached to it. I didn't even mean to think of that one day, I wanted to just think about Elizabeth, but the thoughts kept flooding me.

Every move that Will made today made me feel good to know that our baby is being watched over so well, but it didn't help the mental pain. I will always miss what would have been. I will always wonder what life would be like. It's been 10 months since we said goodbye to Elizabeth, but still the thought crosses my mind ALL the time. At least multiple times every week. What would our lives be like right at this moment, had Elizabeth been born? Everything would be different. Everything. It's so hard to know that we're living such a different life that what we would have been. The pain is still so raw. Seeing pictures of other mommies who put up candles from their babies who they lots 20 and 30 and 40 years ago is hard as well. This is not a temporary thing. This is a forever thing. That wondering how life would be, that pain of not getting to see that child grow up, those memories will always stay with us. We will carry Elizabeth with us always - every part.

I've had candles lit for her all day. I brought down the little statues I have at our inhome memorial of hers and put our candles around them. Today isn't much different from most days, as I think of her all the time, but today feels harder to know that not only am I going through this, but so many, many families are as well. Seeing the pictures of candles, reading the names of the angels...it's hard. There's just so many.