I'm not sure why I was surprised that today hurt so much, but it did. I kept reliving that day we lost Elizabeth, remembering all the very difficult parts of it. Every moment of that day has such hurt attached to it. I didn't even mean to think of that one day, I wanted to just think about Elizabeth, but the thoughts kept flooding me.
Every move that Will made today made me feel good to know that our baby is being watched over so well, but it didn't help the mental pain. I will always miss what would have been. I will always wonder what life would be like. It's been 10 months since we said goodbye to Elizabeth, but still the thought crosses my mind ALL the time. At least multiple times every week. What would our lives be like right at this moment, had Elizabeth been born? Everything would be different. Everything. It's so hard to know that we're living such a different life that what we would have been. The pain is still so raw. Seeing pictures of other mommies who put up candles from their babies who they lots 20 and 30 and 40 years ago is hard as well. This is not a temporary thing. This is a forever thing. That wondering how life would be, that pain of not getting to see that child grow up, those memories will always stay with us. We will carry Elizabeth with us always - every part.
I've had candles lit for her all day. I brought down the little statues I have at our inhome memorial of hers and put our candles around them. Today isn't much different from most days, as I think of her all the time, but today feels harder to know that not only am I going through this, but so many, many families are as well. Seeing the pictures of candles, reading the names of the angels...it's hard. There's just so many.
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