Cy 3; CD 2!

I finally know what day I'm on! 62 days since my last light spotting, I have a real period. It happens exactly when I'm no longer able to ttc so if this does become a monthly thing, I'll have to at least skip next month. It makes me feel a lot better about what's going on with my body and calmer about next months ultrasound.

Updating, and a maybe hiatus?

I'm on day 51 or something now. I don't think it matters, does it? I'm not cycling, and officially NTNP anyway. So I guess this turned out to not be much of a de ja vu journey after all, as with Katie we tried until we succeeded, never NTNP, just straight TTC, and I had totally normal cycles. This time we stopped TTC to enjoy our summer to the fullest, and I don't have cycles/have unpredictable cycles anyway.

Have I mentioned we're officially NTNP? It's so gloriously relaxing this way. Sure, we're not getting pregnant with it, but I'm not stressed out. My life isn't ruled by a chart. I love the idea of having another baby and welcome a pregnancy whenever it decides to come along, but I'm not living my every day worrying, fretting, and stressing over it. It'll happen, most likely at the most inconvient timing possible. For now, I'm carefree, and I love that I'm carefree. I'm never carefree in pregnancy as it's full of hormones, fear and pain. I'm so enjoying this carefree lifestyle with Katie. This summer is feeling amazing. We wake up, eat whatever we want to eat (instead of having to be picky because I'm vomitting from every smell possible), we clean up, then we go to the pool and splash around in the water, sun bathe, go on a nice long walk, play on the porch, go for night time strolls, not worry about being so incredibly tired that I can't do anything all day, and we finally have a rhythm down to keeping the house clean and balancing it with my fun craft and summer activities. Life is going really well right now. I'm very blissful. I'm enjoying my time with my one and only baby girl, who's no longer a baby (a fact that's rubbed in my face daily as I gather supplies and plan for her party that's just in a few short weeks).

I went to the doctor's last week (or was it this week? Who knows!) and he cleared me for getting pregnant this year. He said that everything checked out, the wacky cycles are most likely from breastfeeding as I assumed it was, and he had no concerns. Yay! Next month I'll be getting my routine ultrasound to further put everyone's mind at ease.

It's hard keeping up this journal now, as I'm not doing what the original purpose of the journal is for. I may just go on hiatus with it, and wait until I am TTC again if that happens (the more okay with me being not pregnant that I become, the more certain I am that a pregnancy will happen when I find it most inconvient!) We'll see. For now, yay wonderful summer!

C?, CD38ish

I have, for charting purposes, counted the weird two days of AF spotting as a period. According to that, AF should have shown yesterday at day (I think) 38. Still nothing. I have had lots of CM over the weekend and I admit, I was pretty much a royal bitch yesterday with my emotions, snapping and general grumpiness. Not sure if I skipped a cycle again, which I've been thinking, or if AF is on its way and wacking up my emotions. Church has become difficult. Going every weekend is nice, but I can't view it as a normal church goer. Lately it's been doing the same thing every week and wrestling a baby while begging for her to stay good, quiet and behave. It's been like a battle to get through each Sunday, making it much less enjoyable for me. However, I do want to continue going because for some reason, sending up prayers during church when everyone is praying for each other feels louder than my own prayers at home. Each week, when the time comes to lift up our own prayers, I pray for the next baby. I don't pray for them to come now, I don't plead and beg for pregnancy, I don't ask anything of them. I simply pray for them, to let them know they're in my thoughts and whenever it's time for them to come to me, I'll welcome them with open arms. It helps with my patience and calm. I go to church to weekly pray to God over my Katie, and my future child. I'm still feeling fine that I'm not pregnant. I can't even say I'm ttc anymore. Just NTNP and enjoying my second summer with my one and only baby. We have lots of plans for this summer! Swimming should start up this weekend - an upside to not having a period! I go to my annual check up in two days. As nervous as I get going, I'm looking forward to the sanity it brings. I always feel like I'm walking on air after I get an all clear visit. I can't wait to kick off my summer fun once the appointment is over.

Summer Fun!

Summer is my FAVORITE time of the year. It always has been. Possibly why, when as a child I spent Christmas in sunny, balmy Disney World, my life was perfect (as I'm a bit of a Christmas and Disney fanatic) Anyway, this summery weather has made everything feel better. I find it hard to be sad about ttc fails when I'm planning awesome fun times for this summer, or sitting in my new porch rocker in the sun, bare feet kicked up on the railing and crocheting a new hat as my daughter plays next to me. I now have plans to do fun things each month. Things that I may be able to do while pregnant but will be much more difficult and not as fun due to sickness (especially the extreme car sickness). It starts next month. We're kicking it off with a beach trip. I LOVE the beach. I hate the idea of one day becoming an old person, so I made plans to one day have a beach house and suddenly it's something to look forward to. I have a whole pinterest board on how I'd like to decorate it. Anyway, I long for the beach all year. Last year we had to skip it. Next year we probably will too. So this is our summer to visit the beach. I can't wait. A week or two later is Katie's birthday party. Im excited for it and have started buying supplies. I can't wait until she sees her house decorated in her favorite thing ever - Blue's Clues! The week after that is my own birthday and Independance Day. I've always liked that holiday, and hopefully I can convince Bill to go see fireworks, as I love fireworks! In August we'll be going to the Renaissance Faire. I even have material to make Katie a themed dress. I haven't gone in many years, and Bill has never gone so it should be fun. September is the super fun month. We'll go to the annual Amusement park that we enjoy going to each year (it'll be our 4th year going!) and after that will be a 5 day Disney Cruise. Can't wait! As much as I like the idea of having a baby, there's no time to fret over timing or bfns. I got a fun packed summer full of firsts to enjoy with Katie and not being sick is going to be great. I'm no longer concerned with ttc, moreso doing NTNP, and I'm much happier, carefree and excited. A baby will happen when it's supposed to, so I'm going to enjoy my time while waiting.

5/14/12

I'm not sure what happened. I figured Mother's Day might make me feel wistful that I haven't gotten pregnant yet as that was originally one of my ttc goals. But I'm suddenly oddly ok with it. More than ok. It's like my baby fever has broken. Of course I still want a baby, but I don't feel sad that everyone else is getting their BFP but me. I don't feel like I MUST have a BFP this month, like it's the only thing I'm concentrating on. This past weekend I realized that I'm getting so much me time back that I'm no longer just mommy 24/7. I'm mommy and I'm also me again. The me that likes learning new things, crafting, getting things clean, baking, getting showers more frequently than every few days, and having my hair brushed out. Katie is finally at an independant stage where she'll sit and play or explore with things on her own. She doesn't need me with her every single moment. She's ok to sit by herself and play if I want to learn a new crochet stitch, or fold laundry, or jump in the shower. And it's been freeing. I feel better. She's even going to sleep earlier so I get better rest or extra me time. And I realized that I like me, and it's nice to have me around again instead of being pushed aside from mommying. It's exciting. I'm not even sure if I can say I'm ttcing anymore. I'm trying to chart but nothing means anything when I don't know if I'm cycling. I'm accepting that I may just be NTNP and I'm ok with that. I'm ok with having 1 awesome buddy sidekick and spending time as just me. I can't wait for another baby but since I have to wait anyway, I'm enjoying myself. I'm taking focus off of baby baby baby and putting it back on me and Katie. It's much more relaxing this way.

One & Only

I think I've been doing fairly well mentally with TTC'ing, considering everyone I ever met has either gotten pregnant last year (just after I was, because when I was pregnant NO ONE else was!) and now has an infant or has announced a pregnancy in the last month or two. Last night I fumbled a bit and cried when I heard yet another pregnancy announcement in the family. It's hard knowing that everyone else is pregnant, most who haven't even tried, and here I am, about to go onto my 4th cycle of TTC and nothing. I don't even know if I'm actually cycling. It's frustrating and it gets depressing. I completely forgot about this part of ttc'ing. The worst than TWW part of ttc'ing.

I know it'll happen when it's supposed to, and that would be fine if I just knew when it would happen. The not knowing really sucks. And then the deadline of June has been weighing on me. I've decided to, instead of going to WTT after June, to go into NTNP. The timing will be difficult after June, so I'm sure I'll have more luck then. NTNP will mean no more charts, O tracking, TWW, and expecting bfps every few weeks. It'll just be BD'ing often and crossing our fingers.

To try and get over my weepy, wistful feelings from last night, Katie and I had a good day full of playing and me enjoying her being my one and only baby and enjoying how easy it is to only have one child. Taking a trip to the library, to the store, crossing the street - so much nicer with only one baby! Taking naps curled up together, meal times, and playing ball together has been nice just one on one. I know once I have another baby I'll long for these times back so I'm trying to slow down, not think of another baby, and enjoy my time with just Katie, as it'll never be just one on one time again once another comes along. There's this wonderful bonding time with the oldest baby that I'll never have with the rest, so I'm trying to recognize it.

Not that Katie is making it easy today as she's being a little tyrant devil and is quite grumpy, but that too is easier to deal with without another baby in my arms, isn't it?

The pressure was to have a sibling close to Katie's age. I so wanted a little sister for her, one that would go through the same likes and dislikes at the same time as her. A lifelong kindred spirit. I wanted them as close together as I could. I feel sad that I haven't been able to give that to her. But it apparently wasn't in the plans. Maybe she'll just be my buddy, just like I wanted her to be when I planned her while ttc'ing. I wanted a little baby girl due around my birthday to be my buddy and she is, she definitely is. Maybe the other children will be close together and Katie and I will have each other in a Gilmore Girls-y way.

I TTC'ed for Katie for 4 months. And in each of those previous months, I cried as I got BFN after BFN. But in the end, the BFP was PERFECT timing. I got my little July baby that I had so wanted. I had aimed for April for this baby and I think that's why I was so surprised to not get it, especially when AF never came. I was hoping that this BFP would come on my design like Katie did. I had to remember that it's not my design on when babies come, but God's and baby's. And I know that when that BFP happens, I'll understand why it didn't happen before then and it'll be for the best.

Until then, I have a little buddy to wait the time out with, and I couldn't be happier for that.

O'ing?

For the past few days I've had EWCM, especially yesterday. I looked on my chart for the first time in weeks and noticed if that weird spotting from before can be counted as AF, then I'm due to ovulate today. It would coincide with the cm but I don't think I'll be getting my hopes up that I'm actually O'ing. We've resumed bd'ing just in case and my fingers are crossed but I'm not going nuts over it. Any excitement ttc brought before is gone with the confusion and predictability of my cycles.