Cy7, CD17

I may be in my TWW.

I'm not counting it as a TWW really though, as we're continuing to BD for another week to make sure we hit every possible chance. I'm not going to guess that I have O'ed and now wait. I'm hoping if we hit every day, the TWW won't seem so unbearable. The worst thing about those two weeks are that it's now out of my hands and there's nothing more I can do to help my chances for this month - what's done is done. So instead of torturing myself with thinking it's over, I'm going to just continue.

I am hoping this is the month, but I realized today that I'm not actually expecting a BFP. I have all of my fingers and toes crossed for these next two months, I really want it to happen, we work at it daily, but I'm not actually expecting an end result. Probably because we've been doing this with high hopes since February and by now, it just seems like something we do every month, like a game. Next month, the game starts over, it doesn't ever really end. Even though we've done everything we can to try and get that BFP this month, I'll still be absolutely shocked if I actually get it. I'm not sure if it's just a defense to ward off disappointment to just expect nothing to happen, or if it's just a different mindset. I feel bad that I'm not more positive, but I'm not negative either. I'm feeling neutral. If I get a BFN, I'll still feel neutral, just like I've been feeling for a few months. TTC'ing has become a routine, a way of life, something I'm just used to doing each month. The lack of disappointment is nice, though I've noticed that baby fever creeps up on me more frequently now. Luckily it goes away and I slip back into neutral every few days so I'm not overwhelmed and frustrated. I'm being patient, something I've never been good at until now.

The closest I get to sadness is when I hear people I've been ttcing with for a while get a BFP. It should give me hope, it should make me feel like maybe I'm next, but instead I feel like I'm being left behind. This doesn't stick aroud though, and I'm able to brush it off pretty easily now. It doesn't happen as often either - almost all of my TTC friends have disappeared into the land of first and second trimesters. I tried to make more ttc buddies, but lost interest. I don't really want to hear about other's journies and see them succeed. I just don't want to think much about mine, let time slip by, and wait until AF is finally late for a good reason.

Cy7, CD15

I may, or may not, be O'ing today. I'm on day 15 now and while I think this MAY be it, I'm having a hard time telling the difference between O and BD. We've managed to stay on schedule with BD'ing, though our schedule seems to be doing it two days in a row, skip a day, two days in a row again. It just seems to happen that way, and as long as we hit yesterday and today (which we did), I think it'll be ok. We're going to continue to try and get it in every day this week though.

I've been wanting to get a pre-pregnancy picture for a while now, since I have very few pictures of me and even less of me alone to compare (I had wanted one for my last pregnancy and didn't have one). Today while Katie took her nap I finally got one, so here it is. Until I can remember to have Bill take a full length of me, here's the best I can do:

CY 7, CD 14

This is the start of an important week.  I'm CD14, which means sometime between then and this next week I should be O'ing. As nonchalant as we took the previous summer months, we're taking this cycle seriously. My plan is to be as stress free this week as possible and try to hit O from all sides, then cross my fingers!

I really want a BFP either this month or next month, and now that I have my cycle back, I'm really hoping this long term ttc comes to an end. I'm looking forward to my lone ovary stepping up to bat and bringing the baby that I've been praying for in church each Sunday into our lives.

Yesterday was the first day that I felt my cervix lowered and my CM change, so I'm thinking that I'll be O'ing in the next day or two.

C7, CD9

I'm on cd 9 today. Ttcing for this cycle began yesterday. Doing a few things differently this cycle (dh's ideas, not mine - which leads me to believe he's been thinking or reading up on this stuff!) so we'll see if it makes a difference. Last time I let him take over a ttc cycle, we got Katie. I don't think I can call it baby fever, as I think that's only accurate in women, but he's definitely getting excited at the idea of another baby. As am I, who can be defined these days as going through some heavy baby fever. It's worse some days than other's, but overall I'm now feeling very ready to tackle another baby. I'm a bit nervous of the pregnancy, but eager for a baby! I'm not going to try and understand my cycles this month. I'm going to just go with it, stress free, and bd every day so we don't miss anything important. Hopefully we'll get lucky!

Cy7, CD1

Since I'm so messed up with which actual cycle I'm on (since I was trying to count actual period cycles and not months) I'm just going to go with months. It's much easier! I've been trying since February, so this is my 7th cycle.

Cycle #7 starts today! AF showed up this morning, which I'm really happy about - it means that I understood what my body was doing this month, and when I was confident that I O'ed this month, I was right. This is the first time I had my period twice in a row since I got pregnant with Katie. It's been almost two years! It also happened on Day 30, which  means last cycle was 29 days - my shortest cycle yet! I used to always be 28 days, so I'm glad my body took the last few months to work it's way from 50+ day cycles to now under 30 days. I hope it continues to stay steady.

I'm thinking that we'll be TTC this month. It may make the vacation trip a little difficult as with Katie I was really nauseous by 8 weeks, but I wasn't actually throwing up yet. I want to get under that vomit line (oh, that sounds nice, doesn't it? Vomit line.)

Astrology speaking, Cancers and Tauruses go well together, so it would be a good baby month. The upside to not getting pregnant this cycle is possibly getting to try in September and getting a "Disney Souveneir".

It would be really nice to get pregnant in these next two cycles. I'm really crossing my fingers for this. After these next two months, timing gets tricky for quite a while.

CY? CD28

I'm on CD 28 today.

I'm not positive when I O'ed, as there were two times that I thought it might be it and they mimiced each other pretty closely. But, at least I'm 99% sure I did I this month, which indicates that I am cycling still.

We didn't do a good job at WTT this month. We NTNP basically, but I'm pretty sure we didn't hit it close enough to O to have mattered. I'm hoping to resume TTC next month and the month after, and if I'm cycling, I should have a good chance at pregnancy, I think. I'm still taking my prenatals, have a good diet, my weight is no longer too under the line (in fact, I think I'm in the good zone now), and Katie is slowly nursing less and eating more. Hopefully we won't have to ttc much longer, as I've been trying to get pregnant since February with too many obsticles. Hopefully those obsticles are over.

I'm assuming that my cycle is not 28 days still. If I had to bet, I'd say I O'ed around day 22 or 23, so I'm thinking this cycle will be an extra week long. I'll be on AF watch this week, hoping that I get it because if not, it doesn't look good for getting pregnant this year. And while I'm being patient, while I love not being sick, getting lots of Katie time, and having some fears about how the house and family will fair once I'm pregnant, I do want Katie to have a close sibling and baby fever strikes so suddenly, strongly, and more often lately.

I wasn't in the mental state of being prepared for pregnancy earlier this year, but I'm slowly getting into it now and slowly getting ready to tackle it again.

Cy 3, CD 18

Went to the doctor's on Thursday, this time for an ultrasound to make sure everything still looked good and nothing scary was going on. He said my uterus and ovary looks great and still thinks its a good idea to get pregnant again soon. He actually said "I'm surprised you're not pregnant yet!" which made me give him this face - 0.o as I just was there three weeks ago telling him we're going to try when I get my cycles back, and one of those weeks was my period returning. However, if my body agrees, everything looks perfect again and I'm ready to go to another pregnancy. Hopefully, not this month though. I wanted to wait until at least August, but I assumed that my very long cycles would continue (when I ovulate, it's usually not until day 20-21). Yesterday I was day 15 I think, (oops, just checked - it was day 17! My bad...) and showed signs of O. I'm hoping it wasn't, as it definitely wouldn't be a good time if I'm avoiding pregnancy now! As much as I'm eager to get pregnant, I'd love to enjo my first real vacation in almost ten years. I went to a first birthday party yesterday. What a mistake that was, there were newborns and tiny babies everywhere! I have successfully kept all baby fevers at bay for months now but it flared up there! Especially when Katie was so sweet and behaved so well and was out of my arms! Though Bill's cousin, who was hosting the party for her 1 year old and was 20 weeks pregnant didn't seem to have much of a good time and looked like it was hard on her. She got pregnant the same month we started ttc, so that easily could've been me! Instead of me being big and pregnant, I passed off Katie and helped her decorate for the party and helped keep track of her birthday boy as she looked overwhelmed (probably a lot like how I looked at Katie's party, even though that went surprisingly well with no real need to be flustered!)