C?, CD38ish

I have, for charting purposes, counted the weird two days of AF spotting as a period. According to that, AF should have shown yesterday at day (I think) 38. Still nothing. I have had lots of CM over the weekend and I admit, I was pretty much a royal bitch yesterday with my emotions, snapping and general grumpiness. Not sure if I skipped a cycle again, which I've been thinking, or if AF is on its way and wacking up my emotions. Church has become difficult. Going every weekend is nice, but I can't view it as a normal church goer. Lately it's been doing the same thing every week and wrestling a baby while begging for her to stay good, quiet and behave. It's been like a battle to get through each Sunday, making it much less enjoyable for me. However, I do want to continue going because for some reason, sending up prayers during church when everyone is praying for each other feels louder than my own prayers at home. Each week, when the time comes to lift up our own prayers, I pray for the next baby. I don't pray for them to come now, I don't plead and beg for pregnancy, I don't ask anything of them. I simply pray for them, to let them know they're in my thoughts and whenever it's time for them to come to me, I'll welcome them with open arms. It helps with my patience and calm. I go to church to weekly pray to God over my Katie, and my future child. I'm still feeling fine that I'm not pregnant. I can't even say I'm ttc anymore. Just NTNP and enjoying my second summer with my one and only baby. We have lots of plans for this summer! Swimming should start up this weekend - an upside to not having a period! I go to my annual check up in two days. As nervous as I get going, I'm looking forward to the sanity it brings. I always feel like I'm walking on air after I get an all clear visit. I can't wait to kick off my summer fun once the appointment is over.

Summer Fun!

Summer is my FAVORITE time of the year. It always has been. Possibly why, when as a child I spent Christmas in sunny, balmy Disney World, my life was perfect (as I'm a bit of a Christmas and Disney fanatic) Anyway, this summery weather has made everything feel better. I find it hard to be sad about ttc fails when I'm planning awesome fun times for this summer, or sitting in my new porch rocker in the sun, bare feet kicked up on the railing and crocheting a new hat as my daughter plays next to me. I now have plans to do fun things each month. Things that I may be able to do while pregnant but will be much more difficult and not as fun due to sickness (especially the extreme car sickness). It starts next month. We're kicking it off with a beach trip. I LOVE the beach. I hate the idea of one day becoming an old person, so I made plans to one day have a beach house and suddenly it's something to look forward to. I have a whole pinterest board on how I'd like to decorate it. Anyway, I long for the beach all year. Last year we had to skip it. Next year we probably will too. So this is our summer to visit the beach. I can't wait. A week or two later is Katie's birthday party. Im excited for it and have started buying supplies. I can't wait until she sees her house decorated in her favorite thing ever - Blue's Clues! The week after that is my own birthday and Independance Day. I've always liked that holiday, and hopefully I can convince Bill to go see fireworks, as I love fireworks! In August we'll be going to the Renaissance Faire. I even have material to make Katie a themed dress. I haven't gone in many years, and Bill has never gone so it should be fun. September is the super fun month. We'll go to the annual Amusement park that we enjoy going to each year (it'll be our 4th year going!) and after that will be a 5 day Disney Cruise. Can't wait! As much as I like the idea of having a baby, there's no time to fret over timing or bfns. I got a fun packed summer full of firsts to enjoy with Katie and not being sick is going to be great. I'm no longer concerned with ttc, moreso doing NTNP, and I'm much happier, carefree and excited. A baby will happen when it's supposed to, so I'm going to enjoy my time while waiting.

5/14/12

I'm not sure what happened. I figured Mother's Day might make me feel wistful that I haven't gotten pregnant yet as that was originally one of my ttc goals. But I'm suddenly oddly ok with it. More than ok. It's like my baby fever has broken. Of course I still want a baby, but I don't feel sad that everyone else is getting their BFP but me. I don't feel like I MUST have a BFP this month, like it's the only thing I'm concentrating on. This past weekend I realized that I'm getting so much me time back that I'm no longer just mommy 24/7. I'm mommy and I'm also me again. The me that likes learning new things, crafting, getting things clean, baking, getting showers more frequently than every few days, and having my hair brushed out. Katie is finally at an independant stage where she'll sit and play or explore with things on her own. She doesn't need me with her every single moment. She's ok to sit by herself and play if I want to learn a new crochet stitch, or fold laundry, or jump in the shower. And it's been freeing. I feel better. She's even going to sleep earlier so I get better rest or extra me time. And I realized that I like me, and it's nice to have me around again instead of being pushed aside from mommying. It's exciting. I'm not even sure if I can say I'm ttcing anymore. I'm trying to chart but nothing means anything when I don't know if I'm cycling. I'm accepting that I may just be NTNP and I'm ok with that. I'm ok with having 1 awesome buddy sidekick and spending time as just me. I can't wait for another baby but since I have to wait anyway, I'm enjoying myself. I'm taking focus off of baby baby baby and putting it back on me and Katie. It's much more relaxing this way.

One & Only

I think I've been doing fairly well mentally with TTC'ing, considering everyone I ever met has either gotten pregnant last year (just after I was, because when I was pregnant NO ONE else was!) and now has an infant or has announced a pregnancy in the last month or two. Last night I fumbled a bit and cried when I heard yet another pregnancy announcement in the family. It's hard knowing that everyone else is pregnant, most who haven't even tried, and here I am, about to go onto my 4th cycle of TTC and nothing. I don't even know if I'm actually cycling. It's frustrating and it gets depressing. I completely forgot about this part of ttc'ing. The worst than TWW part of ttc'ing.

I know it'll happen when it's supposed to, and that would be fine if I just knew when it would happen. The not knowing really sucks. And then the deadline of June has been weighing on me. I've decided to, instead of going to WTT after June, to go into NTNP. The timing will be difficult after June, so I'm sure I'll have more luck then. NTNP will mean no more charts, O tracking, TWW, and expecting bfps every few weeks. It'll just be BD'ing often and crossing our fingers.

To try and get over my weepy, wistful feelings from last night, Katie and I had a good day full of playing and me enjoying her being my one and only baby and enjoying how easy it is to only have one child. Taking a trip to the library, to the store, crossing the street - so much nicer with only one baby! Taking naps curled up together, meal times, and playing ball together has been nice just one on one. I know once I have another baby I'll long for these times back so I'm trying to slow down, not think of another baby, and enjoy my time with just Katie, as it'll never be just one on one time again once another comes along. There's this wonderful bonding time with the oldest baby that I'll never have with the rest, so I'm trying to recognize it.

Not that Katie is making it easy today as she's being a little tyrant devil and is quite grumpy, but that too is easier to deal with without another baby in my arms, isn't it?

The pressure was to have a sibling close to Katie's age. I so wanted a little sister for her, one that would go through the same likes and dislikes at the same time as her. A lifelong kindred spirit. I wanted them as close together as I could. I feel sad that I haven't been able to give that to her. But it apparently wasn't in the plans. Maybe she'll just be my buddy, just like I wanted her to be when I planned her while ttc'ing. I wanted a little baby girl due around my birthday to be my buddy and she is, she definitely is. Maybe the other children will be close together and Katie and I will have each other in a Gilmore Girls-y way.

I TTC'ed for Katie for 4 months. And in each of those previous months, I cried as I got BFN after BFN. But in the end, the BFP was PERFECT timing. I got my little July baby that I had so wanted. I had aimed for April for this baby and I think that's why I was so surprised to not get it, especially when AF never came. I was hoping that this BFP would come on my design like Katie did. I had to remember that it's not my design on when babies come, but God's and baby's. And I know that when that BFP happens, I'll understand why it didn't happen before then and it'll be for the best.

Until then, I have a little buddy to wait the time out with, and I couldn't be happier for that.

O'ing?

For the past few days I've had EWCM, especially yesterday. I looked on my chart for the first time in weeks and noticed if that weird spotting from before can be counted as AF, then I'm due to ovulate today. It would coincide with the cm but I don't think I'll be getting my hopes up that I'm actually O'ing. We've resumed bd'ing just in case and my fingers are crossed but I'm not going nuts over it. Any excitement ttc brought before is gone with the confusion and predictability of my cycles.

CD I don't freaking know

I wish I knew what was happening with my body. Probably nothing. I'm pretty sure my cycles have gone away and my ovary is dormant. I was so grumpy today for no reason, and I teared up about everything. My moods wouldn't stop swinging, mostly from bad to worse. I'm not sure why that was. I went to church tonight and prayed over having another baby. I feel more at peace about it. I've been distracting myself so I don't think about it much and after church tonight I feel like it'll happen in perfect timing and been given a bit of patience. It's hard, especially when I keep planning for another, I have a wardrobe for another, I buy things for another. It's like I'm already pregnant...except I'm not. I feel attached to a baby who hasn't even come into existence yet. It's like my future children are up there somewhere waiting to come down and I can feel their presence, and I feel like they're part of my life, or my eventual life, and it's hard knowing that I haven't succeeding in bringing them closer to me. Or, you know, maybe I've just gone nuts. I do, after all, go shopping and see something that would be perfect for a child who's three names away. I've literally seen things and said "wow, how perfect for CeCe!" in fact, I've said that quite often. CeCe is the nickname of a name that's three girls away! We have two girls who'd have to come first. CeCe may never come and yet I feel like she will be, in a matter of time, and I should invest on buying things bc I'll regret not doing so one day. Ok, now I sound crazy. Either way, that's how I've been feeling and this was supposed to be about how I've been given some peace. I feel secure that my baby will be coming to me, I just need to wait until its time. Not my time, or when I think it's time like I keep wanting. It'll happen, I just need to wait and fully enjoy my daughter in the meanwhile. (and spoil her like crazy, apparently!)

Who knows.

There's obviously been an extreme lack of updates lately. That's because there has been absolutely nothing to report. I had two days of light spotting, one day of there being bits of AF when I wiped, and then nothing. I'm not pregnant, so it was somehow a missed cycle. Boggles my mind how it was, but I can't argue with the facts. I have no idea where I am in my cycle. If I'm allowed to count that light spotting as AF, id be ovulating this week. I saw some EWCM today but who knows what that means - I had loads of it last cycle and nothing came from it. My current plan is simply to bd at least every other night and see what happens. Katie is currently going through a growth spurt (her 2T clothes fit her for about two weeks before sky rocketing into 3T!) so my cycles may have completely vanished. I'm trying not to worry over it.